A conversation between Me and Him…
Me: Can you believe the relationship we have now? I Get Along with My EX!
Him: Yeah, I never would have thought! *smile*
Me: Hmmm, I guess I can call you my friend again! *LOL*
Him: What are you talking about? We have always been friends.
Me: If you say so, but there was a short period of time where I wanted to cut you… Oh, I’m just talking about “our friendship!” *wink*
Him: *Big Eyes* Surrrreeee… “our friendship.” LOL, but we are good now right?
Me: Yeah, we are much better. We both have matured and moved on. You are not as emotional and I don’t nag as much.
Him: Emotional *LOL* Whatever woman! So how do you think we changed?
Me: Time and Faith… I can’t speak for you, but that is what changed. me.
Him: I guess I can say the same… I like the state we are in.
Me: Me too *smile*
Are you ready for a change?
Notice I asked… are you “ready” for a change? I believe (or I would hope) most separated couples don’t want to live a non-harmonic lifestyle for the rest of their years on earth. Okay, I’ll just speak for me… I didn’t want live in constant bitterness with “HIM” forever. Actually, I wasn’t bitter- I felt more sad and guilty. Sadness b/c I kept thinking of myself as a disappointment to Him, my family and others. I felt guilty b/c we had just had a daughter together. I didn’t want her growing up as a statistic. My parents had been together for over 30 years, but her parents would separate before she turned one. Nevertheless even after we separated, I still didn’t possess any bitterness towards Him. I just wanted everything to be over with. Almost 2 years later, the divorce was final and I was ready to move on with my life. Ha- but God had another plan! In order for me to move on, I had to first be ready for a change.
Now I am ready for a change!
What change am I referring to? Above I mentioned I am no longer a nag… well, that is the truth. When I believe a situation is “out of order,” it is my nature to ask questions and then offer my opinion. Depending on the receiver, they may take my delivery as nagging but I am really trying to gain an understanding. Next, when I offer my opinion, it can possibly come off as being controlling. In my opinion, if what you are doing or saying doesn’t make sense to me, I will try to sway you to my side. At first… I didn’t see this as a flaw. I saw it as part of my strong personality. However, God helped me realize… “my way” isn’t always the correct or right way. Even if you know for a fact what the person is telling you doesn’t make sense, just swallow your pride and do it their way. I felt like there were times I should have acted in this manner many times during our marriage. I’m sure it would have not totally fixed our relationship but it could have helped in the form of better communication. It wasn’t until after the divorce I realized I needed to change this behavior before my next relationship. Shoot, even if I wanted to get along with Him for the rest of my life!
Give it some time!
Don’t be in a rush to want the situation between you and your Ex to be “peachy-keen.” Both of you need time to heal and to get over the baggage. EX: I am a Libra. Libras want their lives to remain in balance. If one side tips down too far, we get all out of sorts. We become anxious or angry. Either way, we try our hardest to bring balance back into our lives by any means necessary. I mentioned earlier He was the emotional one but b/c he is a man, he would never admit anything regarding his feelings. Honestly, I didn’t care at the moment anyway. My feelings were very rigid; yes Him leaving me- threw me out of balance. I am also very logical so I was able to put my feelings aside for the sake our daughter. Things needed to get done. We needed to discuss childcare, finances, health benefits, etc. but he would always put off these discussions. That led to more arguments and communication problems and why we became separated in the first place. It wasn’t until later I understood, He needed time to get over his emotions and accept the way things were. I know what you are saying… “he is the one who left you.” Yes, you are correct but sometimes it takes a person to realize what (who) they are missing after they leave. Sometimes you have to come out of a situation to reflect on the whole picture. I believe this is what happened to Him- so I gave Him time.
We gave it time and it worked!
As time passed, He learned to be less defensive and to give me the benefit of doubt more. This equated Him to be less emotional which allowed us to conduct business as civil co-parents should. In addition, I felt my tolerance level with him subside in which the nagging began to diminish. Did it happen over-night? Of course not! It took many months before we were able to have a civil conversation and not one of us pop an attitude. Remain patient and know that God is working behind the scenes to fix them and you! Okay, let me touch on something real quick… notice I said… allow God to work on you. Yes, you! Don’t just pray that God fixes the other person. You need to also pray that God provides you wisdom discernment, and understanding so that you will grow as well. You are NOT perfect; there is a bright star in the dark sky. In other words, there is a lesson you can learn; then use it to mature your personality to next level! I didn’t want my next husband to see me as a nagger. So I cast aside my pride and I asked God to help me grow out of this flaw that I have.
Yes, it is hard but keep the faith!
This is probably the hardest behavior to acquire. Okay again, I’ll just speak for myself. As mentioned, if I don’t understand everything about a situation I will try to fix everything myself. God says: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7] For me, that is easier said than done. It wasn’t until after my divorce I learned what that verse actually meant. During our relationship, during our separation- yeah I prayed, but did I really have faith God would fix everything? I’m not sure I did. I would pray in the morning and then a few hours later call Him in the room to ask “could we talk.” See, there I went with the nagging again. That talk always turned into a heated discussion, which usually led to yelling and then crying. However, if I would have prayed and kept quiet… who knows. I’m not saying, don’t talk out things or sit around waiting for God to throw you a sign. “Faith without works is dead” so do some work to fix the situations; just don’t do all the work. Get to the point where you can trust God; He knows what’s best for you and whatever decision is made, it was made in your best interest!
LIKE and COMMENT: Provide one tip to a Royal-reader on how to get along with your Ex.