I Messed Up, I Let Outsiders into my Relationship!

Has anyone ever told you, “girl, don’t let anyone into your relationship” or “don’t be telling all of your business to everyone.” Let me tell you- that is one piece of advice you need to adhere to. The main set of people you should tell all your business to, is your family… it can lead to massive heartache and headaches in your relationship.

You could careless about my feelings, you just want to judge…

When my Ex Husband and I began having problems, I held much of it in. I am a VERY private person. NOTE: Never in a million years did I think I would start a blog because of how private I am. People who knew me could tell something was wrong.  They would continually tell me “you don’t look like yourself Ro, what’s going on?” I would respond- “all is well, I’ve just been tired lately.” I wasn’t lying- I was tired… tired of the bickering, the crying, wondering when will it all end… but I wasn’t telling you. My level of trust runs low. You only want to know b/c you are nosey, not b/c you actually care. So I continued to hold all of it in; until one day the right person came along and I couldn’t take it anymore… I let it all out.

Well since you are here, I might as well tell you…

She was considered the “closest” friend-girl I had, so I did it… I told her bits and pieces of what was going on in my relationship. 

Me: Girl, let me tell you what happened yesterday! It seems like we always do what he wants to do. I wanted to see one movie, and some how he made me feel guilty and we wound up seeing the movie he wanted to see!

Her: Wow, he seems controlling to me. Girl you need to speak up and put your foot down… make him hear your opinion! If I was you, I wouldn’t take that. I would make him sleep in another room or something until he hears me.

Me: Yeah, you right but I try and try to get him to listen to me but when I “put my foot down” it only makes matters worse. We ended up arguing so badly, that we not only forgo the movie- we didn’t wind up speaking for the rest of the night. Moving forward to avoid such matters, I’ll just wind up doing what he wants to do to lessen our arguments.

Her: But that is only giving him sole control! You keep doing that, he will feel he can take full control of you and the relationship. Right now it’s just the movies, tomorrow it’s what you are wearing or the next day it could be how your hair is. You need to speak up Ro. Honestly, I’m glad you are at least talking to me. I knew something has been different about you lately. You haven’t been acting as your regular “happy self” lately.

Me: Well thank you for noticing and I appreciate you listening. I’ll do what I can when it comes to speaking up but ultimately if it leads to more chaos, I will just become more reclusive and won’t speak up at all. I don’t need the extra stress.

While you had good intentions, that technique wasn’t productive…

I appreciated my friend-girl at the time.  She did what she could in helping me feel better for the moment. When you are going through a hard situation and begin venting to others, 8 times out of 10, you are not looking for actual advice. You are looking for a “cheerleader.” You are looking for someone that will agree with whatever you say and will be the person that will only see you as the “good guy.” While she did just that and no where in the conversation did she remain neutral. From the start she judged- “girl he is controlling!” OK maybe, but you didn’t ask me “what could I have done differently to help him change his attitude?” Next she judged me- “I wouldn’t take that!” Sooooo basically what you are saying is, I’m weak for allowing me to do what’s best for my relationship and my own sanity.

Choose your venting friends wisely…

Friend-girl, I know you were trying to help but as I matured- I learned you were looking for your own friend-girl to vent to. Things were not going right in your own relationship so you were looking for another reason to confirm- men are dirt! I was young, desperate… I held so much in, I was willing to tell anyone just to release. Now I can look back and say- “gosh, what was I thinking?” Ironically, once I gathered my feelings and was able to logically think about how to react- I later went back to friend-girl to give her neutral advice to help her own relationship. Needless to say, she wasn’t one I confided in anymore regarding my own.

Well since I can’t trust my friend-girls, I will tell family…

WRONG!!!! Don’t you do it… I repeat… DON’T YOU DO IT!!! I have learned this is worse than telling friends. Don’t you know there is NOTHING you can do that is wrong- everything that goes wrong in your relationship is THE OTHER PERSON’S FAULT! While this is comforting for the moment b/c again, that cheerleader is wonderful in the time of sadness. However, don’t bring that mate to family functions- the stares you both will get; the whispering; the at-ti-tude- OMG, I felt like our relationship had been on the news and we were the headlines! Not to mention, family members can’t hold water! You will tell Aunt Susie, who will tell Grandma Flora, who will tell Uncle Joe whom will break out the Calvary in hopes something goes down so he would have a chance to test out his gun. OK, I may be exaggerating a little but you get my point.

Ex Hubbie, you said some crazy things but NOT telling family your business I respect…

Family usually sticks together. When they find out one of their own is going through, it can make matters worse w/in your relationship.

The Ex: No matter what you and I are going through, you shouldn’t tell your family b/c they will take your side.”

Me: *looking/thinking* How do you know?

The Ex: Yes, I know what’s going on. I know you noticed people staring at me and giving me looks. They have never done that before, now why of a sudden they go from being welcoming to being cold towards me. The only conclusion is that you are telling someone what’s going on.

Me: It was only **** she is very neutral and can give me advice on what to do. I mean you won’t listen to me so I need to find someone who will b/c I’m tired of us bickering.  Maybe if I confide in someone that went the same circumstances, they can help our relationship.

The Ex: I don’t doubt they may be able to help but in the meantime, I feel isolated and very uncomfortable when I visit your family functions and it will only make me not want to go. Now, what do you think they will think when I don’t show up? At least for now, they think I’m somewhat supportive.

Me: I guess I didn’t think of it that way.

I can’t talk to my friend-girl, I can’t tell my family- who is left…

I 100% agree! You do need an outlet b/c they can help rationalize your feelings. Heck, they may have even gone through some the same problems you are experiencing, so yes- they can actually help. NOTE: Take note, this is why I began blogging in the first place! 😉 In the words of Xscape- “WHO CAN I RUN TO”LOL– if you are religious or of high faith, I would talk to a Pastor or Minister. I would begin by going on your own so that you can grow stronger and then try bringing in your mate. If that is not your avenue of choice, then choose a confidant that you know will not judge or spread your business.  How do you know who those people are? Easy, think about whom you talk to now. If there is anyone in your circle that doesn’t talk about someone else’s relationship, start there!

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10 Comments

  1. Wise words Ro, I’ve made this mistake too in the past and not only does it only makes things worse. Great subject I really enjoyed reading this 🙂

  2. I agree Ms.Ro. I encourage couples to seek out accountability partners. Usually a mature couple or a couple who’s marriage is thriving. If they are not sure who to approach or ask, I tell them to ask God to show them the right couple to help them.
    But your marriage/relationship is something you must strive to protect against any division.

    • Yes Brandi, that is also good advice. I learned that later and this is why I blog, so people won’t make the same mistake(s) I did. Accountability partners or talking to a more experienced couple is excellent advice. Thank you for commenting!

  3. Great advice & you are correct chose wisely to whom you confide in. You have to have a spirit of discernment as well bc all ppl dont have your best at heart. And family…well family is always going to be your family. Today you may have a disagreement w/ your significant other & just in the moment you may share w/ family & tomorrow…well tomorrow things may be back on track but FAMILY NEVER FORGETS YESTERDAY & the hurt you were in.

    • Thank you Keyonna for commenting! A spirit of discernment is a good trait in any relationship. We must ask God to show us wisdom and guidance in our relationship. If extra help is needed, we must ask God to send us the right set of people. And that point about family never forgetting, so true!

  4. Hello,it’s Auntie “Aurie” (ask your child how you spelled it)😂 Anyhow , guess what I read the entire BLOG👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾😘. Anyhow, 1st it’s always 1friend. And only 1 friend that you shine able to trust and vent too…

    Most family that are close to each other
    Will go in.. and regardless Protect you and Support you to the end. We will give you a Listening ear…

    But that comes with Advice…
    And we will leave you with Options or something to Ponder.

    • Thanks Auntie for reading. Yes family will have your back. You just have to find someone you trust that will give you true advice and not “egg you on.” Geniunine advice is always welcome no matter who it is.

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