How many of you are in a relationship that appears to moving too slow?
How many of you are in a relationship that may have moved to fast?
Before Marriage, Too Slow for My Standards
Before I was married, I was in a relationship for about 4 years. I was 27 when I got married and at the time, I thought my bio-clock would explode! I mean, I knew I wanted to marry him about 2 years earlier. Also, I thought having kids pass 30 was non-explainable! So why wasn’t he ready to get married? His answers… “I’m not ready”; “we need to get to know each other a little more”; “I need to get some things straight in my life first”; blah, blah, blah! He had many excuses/reasons whatever you want to call them- bottom line, we both weren’t ready- but for different reasons.
Pay Attention to the Signs
In a previous post, I talked about paying attention to the signs. (Click here) There were soooooo many signs I continued to ignore.
Sign #1: Possibly afraid of commitment
If one person is ready to take their relationship to the next level but the other isn’t, there may be a possibility of commitment issues. Why, probably for a # of reasons but I can only speak to my theory concerning my EX. He had experienced 3 divorces through different sets of parents. Now am I saying this was the ultimate reason for him not wanting to commit; no, but I am saying there could be a psychological undertone of why someone may be concerned with marriage. My advice: both parties need to keep the communication open. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. Your partner is your partner for a reason and the more transparent you are with your feelings, the more your partner will begin to trust you- which in turn, brings you two closer.
Sign #2: Too many arguments
By year 3, every week my EX and I were arguing. That wasn’t healthy. We would argue over the silliest things. I remember he was constantly late for everything! No matter how early we got ready, we would always arrive at our destination late which would absolutely irked me! Then how did I end up, I had an attitude the whole night which led to me to nip-pick at little things he did. Then he would snap back even louder (male ego) which sometimes caused scenes and left us two embarrassed souls. Next, we wouldn’t talk for a couple of days. Then we would argue over what happen days ago and when we finally made up, the same routine would happen a week or two later. Ephesians 4:26 “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry…”. My advice: one of you needs to let the pride go so that you can clear the air and get your feelings out in the open. Again, utilize open communication and active listening skills; don’t be so sensitive and learn to take criticism.
Sign #3: Not on one accord
How many times have you heard your parents say this to you? “Baby, if you two are not on one accord, it will be hard for you to grow in unity.” Then you keep moving on with the relationship b/c in your mind, “they don’t know what they are talking about. He will grow to love me.” Walking in one accord can mean various things: being together spiritually, wanting to be married, wanting to grow a family, having the same goals/ambitions… are just a few. Bottom line, if you two can’t agree in the beginning, agreements will come harder moving forward. For us, we didn’t walk together spiritually. He was a spiritual person in his own way but I wanted more. I was attending church alone most Sundays and when he did come, I can tell he wasn’t interested- he just came so I wouldn’t “nag” him. My advice: you can’t make a person do things if they aren’t ready to do it. They have to make their own decision within their own heart. Although, it may not be in your timing you will appreciate it later b/c their decision was made with sincerity.
God Knew We Weren’t Ready
You would have thought by year 3-4 I would have said the heck with it and walked out. Well at one point I did, I gave him an ultimatum and within a short time period I had a ring. Do you think the bickering, the attitudes, the silent treatments ended– nope. God continued to tug at my heart but I continued to loosen His grip. One time I prayed… “God you wouldn’t have me in this relationship this long if he wasn’t for me.” I can see God now… shaking his head– “girl I gave you signs but you continued to go your own way- LOL!” I can laugh about it now but at the time- anger, strife, bitterness and whatever negative emotion you can think of ran through my heart.
There Were Good Days
There were times we laughed, joked and were intimately close but as soon as an argument came, we acted like we were enemies again. It’s like we would love hard but fight even harder. Once again, God allowed me to see the signs but over and over again, I ignored and in July 2008 we were married. Do I regret getting married? Heck no! Everything happens for a reason. We loved each other and from that love came Raegan! That was the BEST day I had in a long time and for that, I give God the praise!
Does LOVE Come with a Time Frame?
I can’t answer that; only God knows your time frame. However, in the midst of you two moving along review the signs to ensure the partnership can turn into a happy union. Every relationship moves at its own pace. You can’t and shouldn’t rush anything. On the flip side, some couples know from the beginning they are meant to be together and that’s okay too. It’s whatever works for you two. Keep the communication open, be open to receive feedback and figure out a compromise that works for both of you.
Here are some example questions to ask each other, preferably in the beginning:
- When it comes to a relationship, is marriage an option?
- Do you want kids? If so how many?
- Tell me about your family, what were they like?